Destiny
by Foxy the Sly
Summary: A short snowbarry retrospective up to 3x07 (so spoiler alert) One-shot in Caitlin's point of view


**Destiny**

She believed in destiny, once upon a time.

She believed in true love and the future and herself – she believed in the future she could build with Ronny.  
A good future. A happy future. With kids and smiles and a career and scuba diving.

And then the particle accelerator exploded.  
Her career was ruined, her reputation in tatters.  
Ronny was dead.

She had become a glorified doctor for a comatose patient hidden within star labs. Is it a wonder she had stopped believing ?  
When the patient awoke and showed miraculous powers, though she started to warm to him and smile, deep down inside she felt the unfairness of fate tug at her.  
When Ronny came back – different but alive – only to have to leave again, it was like a joke from the gods.  
When everyman kissed her, she realised that maybe she had started hoping for a new destiny. She didn't want that. Barry wasn't for her and she knew it.  
When Ronny came back, she believed she could work for the future she had once thought would be hers.  
And then he had died, and she could not, would not stay in the same place. She had to leave. She had to move. She needed her life to go forward somehow.

And so she went to work at Mercury labs – and it was interesting work, and she was evolving among her peers. Making friend. Distracting herself from the loss. Of Ronny. Of the destiny she had imagined for herself. Of star labs and Cisco and Barry.  
She lied to herself. Told herself she couldn't help them anymore. Invented reasons to stay away until he came to see her and asked her for her help.

He wasn't her destiny. She knew it. Knew his feelings for Iris. Knew that they were beginning to be reciprocated.  
And so she clung to her logic and her reason and ignored the sparks between them.

And then Iris asked her if she believed in destiny, and Caitlin answered automatically , giving her true thoughts on the subject : « I believe it exists – for you ».  
Barry was Iris' destiny. She was his. It was as simple as that to the mind of Caitlin Snow, scientist , physician, woman and member of team flash. And maybe, when she said it, it was true.

Maybe she had been trying to convince herself.

The arrival of Jay Garrick allowed her to focus on someone else, something else. And once again she wanted to believe, but then she learned he was dying. After that she focused on saving him – on saving herself from suffering the same fate again and again. And when she finally thought she was close. He died.

The cold was now her constant companion. She had to stay aloof and impersonal in order to survive, yet she pushed on, tried to work through her feelings to keep the team together. Team flash was her home now. She couldn't lose that too !

And then Cisco vibed that Zoom was Jay and that Jay was Zoom and her whole world fell apart. Did she have to lose all the men she loved twice?

Her heart stopped when he was about to kill Barry. She couldn't let him die. Not now – not ever. So she pleaded for his life, appealed to Jay's humanity and was kidnapped by a monster. As long as he was alive she would remain Jay's prisoner. As long as Jay killed no one she would remain – if not loyal, at least compliant, though she would trust no food or drink that he could give her.

While his prisoner, she heard that Barry had died, and she felt the biting cold of loss, of the truth she could hear in Zoom's words. She let the news sink in and chose her fate. When Zoom came back after his ultimatum. She was gone – willing to die with her friends rather than be miserable in captivity.

Barry was alive. She couldn't believe it but he was at her side. Talking to her, telling her about the speedforce, letting her know he was ok and for those few moments she did not see Zoom. Did not feel the fear, that feeling that makes you ache for things to be other. The anticipation for a hell that was too slow in coming. But these feelings came back quickly.

She only started feeling like herself when she started acting like the other her. The one that was as cold on the outside as she was on the inside.

When Henry died, in desperation and to help Barry, she acted out the naive loving Caitlin she had been to Jay, in a bid to stop him and his plans once and for good. She hadn't believed she would get through to him, but seeing him attempt to rip her heart out, knowing that he claimed to love her, knowing that she had once though she could love him – it shocked her to her core.

Why feel if the results are worse and worse each time ?

What good is destiny or fate or kismet if it throws this sort of thing constantly at you ?

Soon, she was fighting the cold daily, not understanding what had changed. Not seeing what could keep her sane, just working to hide what she was becoming, scared of who she was becoming. Not knowing who to blame.

But there was someone to blame.

Barry. The man she had been to karaoke with on one disastrous occasion. The man she would do anything to protect. The link between the members of their team. The flash.

And so she became colder. She spoke to her mother – tried to learn to stop the cold from escaping. Tried to retain her sanity and friendship and innate goodness. Tried to fight her fears so long and hard that she lost control.

And Cisco found out.

And he told them.

And, despite her reservations he got her to use her powers.

And she did.

For those few hours she revelled in the feeling of being powerful, revelled in knowing what she was doing was being done for good reasons.

That sometimes, the end justifies the means.

And if the means used were sometimes very much to her liking (she knew what Barry could survive after all. And a kiss from an enemy is much more forgiveable and forgettable than a kiss from a friend), she just couldn't trust him to save her from the fate he had singlehandedly given her. Couldn't trust him to stay by her side and stop her from hurting someone.

When they caught her she was angry and tired and fed up. He had his destiny. Why wouldn't he let her fight for hers ?

Hours later it seemed her wish came true. He let her go. Freed her from the cell. Told her she could go. Gave her what she needed. A chance to see for herself that she could be trusted not to kill him. To kill them. To kill anyone. A chance for warmth. A chance to heal and to learn and to become so much more.

Maybe she didn't believe in destiny. But her past present and future definitely were linked to this man, and she would do her best to be worthy of his trust and friendship, no matter how much she wanted – craved for more.


End file.
